Telephonically challenged

I have mentioned in my initial description that Grandma Looney has cell phone issues.  More on that later.  But she also has one of the most expensive yellow wall phones on the eastern seaboard.  And here’s why: Grandma Looney loves lemons.  (You will soon see, this is the type of logic that defines most of Grandma Looney’s life decisions.)

So, she loves lemons.  Not the taste per se, but as kitchen décor.  Thus, she wanted – nay, needed – a yellow phone to hang on her wall, to match her lemon-themed wallpaper and lemon yellow knick knacks.  Problem is, that was over 20 years ago.  Back when people leased phones from the phone company – now AT&T, but formerly Bell Atlantic and probably lots of other names in between.  So, as technology evolved, and we started being able to buy telephones for $20 just about anywhere, she did so – with the exception of the yellow kitchen phone.  Which she has continued to lease from AT&T. For 20 years.

The “rent” for the phone used to be included in the monthly phone bill, so it may not have been recognized, and we might afford her the benefit of the doubt.  However, after moving (note: that means she has moved away from the original house with the lemon wallpaper which she need the phone to match in the first place) and switching to cable (TV and phone) with a company other than AT&T, she now gets a bills twice a year for about $18 from AT&T – just for the phone lease. 

So, you do the math: $36/year for 20 years.  Grandma Looney has a $720 phone.  Now.  That is assuming that she is not downplaying the amount, which she tends to do.  So, as the conversation goes:

Me: “Why don’t you return it and just buy a yellow phone?”  (Seems like a legit question.)

GL: “They have to send you a box. And then you have to put it in the box. And return it. It’s just seemed like a lot of trouble.”

Me: “Well, it doesn’t seem like $700 worth of trouble. Let’s do it. I’ll help you. Sounds like you’ve already called about it before to get this much information.”

GL: “No, that was probably when I called about my cord.”

See? That makes sense to her. I have no idea.  Guess I need to go find out how much extra she’s been paying for the cord.

A little background on Grandma Looney

When I was a kid, Grandma Looney was a little quirky. She was fun and when things are a little off beat, it's kind of cool.  Like getting Pop Tarts as a Christmas gift.  But, as I entered my teen years, quirkiness gave way to just plain odd. Like watching my 10-year-old cousin open cocktail napkins on Christmas morning. And as an adult, I now realize things are just plain weird. Like the State of North Carolina stuffed animal I received as a gift with my MBA graduation. Or the fact that Grandma Looney keeps her cell phone rolled in a linen handkerchief, then placed in an eyeglasses case... and she never carries it with her or turns it on. Now, before you go and call Adult Protective Services, Grandma Looney is not senile.  She's always marched to her own tune. It's just that now, the more I realize about the real world, the more I see... somethin' ain't right with Grandma Looney...