Giraffes, Napkins, and Kitty Porn -- Oh my!

With a lot of my family members’ birthdays coming up, I feel like I should talk about Grandma Looney’s gift-giving. Now, I know grandmothers are stereotypically not good gift-givers, whether it’s that really ugly shirt she got from Wal-Mart or a check for $5. But Grandma Looney’s gifts are, well, for lack of a better word, loony. From what I can gather, there are really three rules to my grandma’s gift-giving habits:
1.       If you liked it as a kid, you’ll like it for every occasion.
2.       If you said you liked something once, you like it forever.
3.       If it has your name on it, give it.

Now, this might appear to be an ok strategy, until you see how she plays things out. For instance, I get things with giraffes on it and Poptarts a LOT.  Why? Well…when I was young, my parents used to ask me typical questions for a kid – What sound does a dog make? What sound does a cat make? Then they’d throw the curveball – what sound does a giraffe make? I got so confused and the family thought it was hilarious. Hence, giraffe gifts. Never did I even like giraffes that much. Sure, they are cool animals, but it was just one thing from my childhood and I now have a collection of giraffe paraphernalia you wouldn’t believe – stuffed animals, statues, ornaments, pads of paper, pens, etc.

Also, I once went through a phase when I liked Poptarts as a snack. So now every once in a while I unwrap Poptarts as a gift from Grandma Looney. Sure, Poptarts are yummy. But to be perfectly honest, that’s not the kind of gift or food I want to eat on Christmas.

Now, there are just several go-to items Grandma Looney ALWAYS gives.
· Cocktail napkins…yes, even my 11 year old cousin gets them. Obviously, for all the entertaining and cocktail parties he will be having for the upcoming year (insert sarcasm).
· Dish towels. You thought you had enough dish towels, but you did NOT have one for Arbor Day! Gift idea!
· Pencils. Who WOULDN’T want tie-dyed pencils that says “Total Babe” and “Whatever” on them when you are 22 years old and in grad school??

So any time of year with gifts (which also includes holidays not traditionally for gift-giving, i.e. Halloween, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick’s Day, etc.) are always an adventure with Grandma Looney. To be honest, it makes the holidays much more interesting for us and we wouldn't want it any other way.

So to top it all off, here are the top 10 gifts that my immediate family has received from Grandma Looney:
10. Topiary
9. Cookies homemade by someone else we don’t know
8. A pad of paper with a cover that reads “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere” (talk about sending the wrong message, Grandma Looney)
7. A large red sack with my name on it.
6. A mini pumpkin loaf
5. Panty Hose
4. Coupons for aluminum foil, baggies, cinnamon rolls, and pie crusts
3. Box of wine
2. A hammer shaped like a shoe – you bang a nail with the heel of the shoe
1. A “funny” cat book, for my stepdad who has a cat. Only it wasn’t funny. Actually, the first page I opened it up to had pictures and drawings of cats, err, mating in different ways. And so lives the infamous “Kitty Porn Book” gift.

"Hello, Carol?"

If a phone attached to the wall for 20 years is a problem, you can imagine the issues the 21st century has created.  I'm talking about the cell phone.

Grandma Looney is forever promising/threatening to do things -- get a cell phone, clean out her garage, start working out (all of which will be covered in future items). So, after talking about needing a cell phone but never quite going as far as going to a store to get one, we called her bluff and bought her a prepaid cell phone, with 60 prepaid minutes.

Knowing technology can be tough, this phone is only slightly more advanced than a Jitterbug (which must not have been on the market at the time, or we'd have been all over it).  All Grandma Looney really wanted was to be able to call and be called when she is out and about. We brought the phone to her, set it up, explained it, and demonstrated. She made a test call, and she was off and running!

So we thought.  About a month later, as I was heading to meet Grandma Looney for dinner, my own cell phone rang.  Caller ID: Grandma Looney! Imagine my excitement of a plan coming together.

"Hello!" I answer with great enthusiasm.
Response from the other end: "Hello, Carol?"
Me: "No, this isn't Carol, it's me, Grandma."
Silence. Click.

Hmm. That was weird.  20 seconds later, my phone rings again.  You've got it. Grandma Looney.
"hellooooo...," I answer this time, with much less enthusiasm.
Silence.
Again, I say, "helloooo...?"
"Carol?"
"No, not Carol. It's me."
Click.

Of course, another 20 seconds, another call.
I answer, snippily, "hello."
Click.

So I get to the restaurant, and say, "Grandma, you keep calling me but you must be trying to call Carol."
Grandma Looney (insert her famous eye roll here): "That phone you got me, there's something wrong with it. It will only call your number."
"Let me see what you are doing," I say.

So Grandma Looney reaches in her purse, and pulls out... a hard plastic eyeglasses case.  Which she opens, and pulls out a linen handkerchief, which she begins to unroll... to reveal... her cell phone! (Of course, she wanted this phone in case of an accident, when she certainly will be able to calmly unwrap her mummified phone in a pinch.) She shows me how she turns on the phone (she doesn't keep it on so as not to drain the battery -- of course, she can't receive any calls either)... pressing the "on" button -- over and over, hence calling the last number she dialed -- me.  I explain the mistake, we take another trial run.  Problem solved.

On my ride home, my cell rings. Aw, Grandma Looney must be calling to thank me for meeting for dinner and helping her.
"Hi!"
"Hello? Carol?"

Telephonically challenged

I have mentioned in my initial description that Grandma Looney has cell phone issues.  More on that later.  But she also has one of the most expensive yellow wall phones on the eastern seaboard.  And here’s why: Grandma Looney loves lemons.  (You will soon see, this is the type of logic that defines most of Grandma Looney’s life decisions.)

So, she loves lemons.  Not the taste per se, but as kitchen décor.  Thus, she wanted – nay, needed – a yellow phone to hang on her wall, to match her lemon-themed wallpaper and lemon yellow knick knacks.  Problem is, that was over 20 years ago.  Back when people leased phones from the phone company – now AT&T, but formerly Bell Atlantic and probably lots of other names in between.  So, as technology evolved, and we started being able to buy telephones for $20 just about anywhere, she did so – with the exception of the yellow kitchen phone.  Which she has continued to lease from AT&T. For 20 years.

The “rent” for the phone used to be included in the monthly phone bill, so it may not have been recognized, and we might afford her the benefit of the doubt.  However, after moving (note: that means she has moved away from the original house with the lemon wallpaper which she need the phone to match in the first place) and switching to cable (TV and phone) with a company other than AT&T, she now gets a bills twice a year for about $18 from AT&T – just for the phone lease. 

So, you do the math: $36/year for 20 years.  Grandma Looney has a $720 phone.  Now.  That is assuming that she is not downplaying the amount, which she tends to do.  So, as the conversation goes:

Me: “Why don’t you return it and just buy a yellow phone?”  (Seems like a legit question.)

GL: “They have to send you a box. And then you have to put it in the box. And return it. It’s just seemed like a lot of trouble.”

Me: “Well, it doesn’t seem like $700 worth of trouble. Let’s do it. I’ll help you. Sounds like you’ve already called about it before to get this much information.”

GL: “No, that was probably when I called about my cord.”

See? That makes sense to her. I have no idea.  Guess I need to go find out how much extra she’s been paying for the cord.

A little background on Grandma Looney

When I was a kid, Grandma Looney was a little quirky. She was fun and when things are a little off beat, it's kind of cool.  Like getting Pop Tarts as a Christmas gift.  But, as I entered my teen years, quirkiness gave way to just plain odd. Like watching my 10-year-old cousin open cocktail napkins on Christmas morning. And as an adult, I now realize things are just plain weird. Like the State of North Carolina stuffed animal I received as a gift with my MBA graduation. Or the fact that Grandma Looney keeps her cell phone rolled in a linen handkerchief, then placed in an eyeglasses case... and she never carries it with her or turns it on. Now, before you go and call Adult Protective Services, Grandma Looney is not senile.  She's always marched to her own tune. It's just that now, the more I realize about the real world, the more I see... somethin' ain't right with Grandma Looney...