Giraffes, Napkins, and Kitty Porn -- Oh my!

With a lot of my family members’ birthdays coming up, I feel like I should talk about Grandma Looney’s gift-giving. Now, I know grandmothers are stereotypically not good gift-givers, whether it’s that really ugly shirt she got from Wal-Mart or a check for $5. But Grandma Looney’s gifts are, well, for lack of a better word, loony. From what I can gather, there are really three rules to my grandma’s gift-giving habits:
1.       If you liked it as a kid, you’ll like it for every occasion.
2.       If you said you liked something once, you like it forever.
3.       If it has your name on it, give it.

Now, this might appear to be an ok strategy, until you see how she plays things out. For instance, I get things with giraffes on it and Poptarts a LOT.  Why? Well…when I was young, my parents used to ask me typical questions for a kid – What sound does a dog make? What sound does a cat make? Then they’d throw the curveball – what sound does a giraffe make? I got so confused and the family thought it was hilarious. Hence, giraffe gifts. Never did I even like giraffes that much. Sure, they are cool animals, but it was just one thing from my childhood and I now have a collection of giraffe paraphernalia you wouldn’t believe – stuffed animals, statues, ornaments, pads of paper, pens, etc.

Also, I once went through a phase when I liked Poptarts as a snack. So now every once in a while I unwrap Poptarts as a gift from Grandma Looney. Sure, Poptarts are yummy. But to be perfectly honest, that’s not the kind of gift or food I want to eat on Christmas.

Now, there are just several go-to items Grandma Looney ALWAYS gives.
· Cocktail napkins…yes, even my 11 year old cousin gets them. Obviously, for all the entertaining and cocktail parties he will be having for the upcoming year (insert sarcasm).
· Dish towels. You thought you had enough dish towels, but you did NOT have one for Arbor Day! Gift idea!
· Pencils. Who WOULDN’T want tie-dyed pencils that says “Total Babe” and “Whatever” on them when you are 22 years old and in grad school??

So any time of year with gifts (which also includes holidays not traditionally for gift-giving, i.e. Halloween, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick’s Day, etc.) are always an adventure with Grandma Looney. To be honest, it makes the holidays much more interesting for us and we wouldn't want it any other way.

So to top it all off, here are the top 10 gifts that my immediate family has received from Grandma Looney:
10. Topiary
9. Cookies homemade by someone else we don’t know
8. A pad of paper with a cover that reads “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere” (talk about sending the wrong message, Grandma Looney)
7. A large red sack with my name on it.
6. A mini pumpkin loaf
5. Panty Hose
4. Coupons for aluminum foil, baggies, cinnamon rolls, and pie crusts
3. Box of wine
2. A hammer shaped like a shoe – you bang a nail with the heel of the shoe
1. A “funny” cat book, for my stepdad who has a cat. Only it wasn’t funny. Actually, the first page I opened it up to had pictures and drawings of cats, err, mating in different ways. And so lives the infamous “Kitty Porn Book” gift.